


Homecoming

by Magentas_Nightmare



Series: Merle Dixon Oneshots [65]
Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, F/M, Merle Dixon Lives, Military Background, Nice Merle Dixon, Nightmares, PTSD, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:35:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28884000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magentas_Nightmare/pseuds/Magentas_Nightmare
Summary: Merle is back from his deployment but the war isn't quite done with him.
Relationships: Merle Dixon/Andrea Harrison
Series: Merle Dixon Oneshots [65]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1337284
Comments: 11
Kudos: 5





	Homecoming

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hudsonbird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hudsonbird/gifts).



> This is for a wonderful reader with wonderful ideas! Thank you for this prompt! I hope you enjoy how I wrote this. Teagan xoxo

**Homecoming**

It was March 4th/09 and she was in the middle of advising her new law clerks about an upcoming case when it happened. Andrea was always very professional with her clerks and never spoke of anything personal. They knew she was married and that her husband was deployed with the military but that was all. Why Merle decided to surprise her at work, she'd never know, but when she looked up to see his face that morning, she ran straight into his arms without a second thought.

For 12 long months, it was video chats and a cold bed without him. Her clerks all blushed as he lifted her off the ground. They kissed like they were the only two people on Earth for what felt like forever and she couldn't care less that her subordinates had seen it. When it came to Merle, she loved him unabashedly from the start. It felt like it was over then, they could finally start a family and never be apart again. That day felt like the beginning of a brand new life together...if only she'd known how much he was still back there in his mind.

/

The first week home had been filled with neighbors stopping by to say hello, dinner with his brother Daryl, catching up on some yard work, and trying his best to bring his mind back to reality and have some romantic time with Andrea. Being home was great but he still didn't feel like he could relax and let go, he still felt trapped back in Iraq somehow.

“We need to take a little trip,” Merle suggested about a week after he came home.

“Where to?”

“Just the cabin. I need to get outta the house and breathe some fresh air,” he sighed.

“Feeling cooped up already?”

“You know I love the woods, it would do us good to get away just for a weekend.”

“I'll still need to do a little work in the evenings,” she winced.

Andrea was a military lawyer and very busy, but he knew that and always understood.

“As long as you got some time for me in bed and in the mornings for fishing it's all good,” he chuckled.

“How are you feeling anyway? Is it weird to be back?” she asked

“I can't sleep worth a damn and I feel kinda on edge like someone's gonna come bursting in with an emergency at any minute but I'm sure I'll reacclimate to the world soon.”

“I noticed you're not next to me when I roll over sometimes,” she said.

“Sorry, I'll get back into the swing of things,” he assured her.

/

Merle made arrangements with his brother to go to the cabin they shared for the weekend. There was something claustrophobic about being home and he couldn't figure it out. Being back with Andrea was amazing, somehow she was more beautiful than when he left, but he was sleep-deprived in his own bed and didn't know why.

Merle packed up all the camping gear he kept in the garage on the second Friday since he returned home while Andrea was at work and prayed that the lake would shake something back into place. He just needed to unwind. It was like a ball of tension was still weighing on him, right in the center of his chest and not allowing him to get a full breath of air.

When Andrea got home that night, they had a quick supper and hit the road to escape the city. She turned up the music on the stereo and it felt for a moment like he had never been gone. He wrapped his arm around her as they hit the highway and she slid right in close on the bench seat of his old truck, the truck he would never replace regardless of how much she begged. The early days of their relationship had been spent in that old truck, just driving till they ran out of road.

“God, I missed this,” she sighed. “My big man with his arm around me.”

“I missed everything about being with you, honey. Hope we can get romantic on this trip and then maybe I can sleep till morning for once.”

“That's so strange,” she mused. “You always slept like a rock before you left.”

“I know, it's all tossing and turning and then I get this knot in my chest and I get overheated really easy. It's getting to where I don't even wanna try anymore.”

“Maybe you should see the doctor. I bet it's coming back from such a different climate that's messing you up.”

“You think?”

“Makes sense to me. The US is a hell of a lot different than Iraq, right?”

“True. Maybe they can give me some sleeping pills for a week to get me sleeping through the night again.”

“I'm sure Dr. Cloyd can think of something to help you out.”

“I'll see her when we get back then,” he nodded.

/

The cabin needed a good general tidying when they arrived and then it was right out to the dock to get some sunshine and fresh air. Merle sat back on a chair looking out over the water with a cold beer in his hand and his beautiful wife by his side, but somehow still didn't feel relaxed.

“Better?” she winked.

“Oh yeah, all better.”

He didn't want to keep being a drag about it. After being gone so long, he owed it to her to be fun again and make her happy. They sat on the dock until the sun set and he loved how at peace she looked. She was able to leave the office behind and just close her eyes and he envied that. Sometimes when he closed his eyes now, he saw children who didn't have enough to eat, men and women bleeding and dying, people gathered in crowds begging for his help, or his friend Victor who had been torn to pieces by an IED...there were endless negative images behind his closed eyes now.

“Babe?”

“Sorry,” he smiled. “I was miles away.”

“The flies are biting now that the sun's gone. Do you want to take this inside?”

“Sure thing.”

Back inside the little cabin, they had a few more drinks, and then she was clearly feeling amorous when she pulled off her t-shirt and casually dropped it into his lap.

“Come take a shower with me,” she winked. “I need to scrub off this sunscreen and then fuck you like there's no tomorrow.”

“Hell yeah, sounds good to me, honey!”

Merle was able to forget it all with his perfect wife naked in front of him, if only he could keep her naked all the time. He stripped and stepped into the shower to show her just how much he missed her and for a good twenty minutes he was completely relaxed. He backed her to the tile wall and kissed her just how he imagined it all those nights when he could only dream of her. Her skin was so smooth and warm and the way she held him ensured him that he was still the only one. He never once wondered if she wanted other men while he was away, Andrea loved him and he knew that, but he missed her to the point of agony for those long 12 months.

He was very soon kneeling at her feet, pulling her right leg over his shoulder and teasing her with his tongue and lips.

“I missed this,” she whined. “I missed everything about us.”

“Me too, honey...I'm never leaving you again.”

“Good.”

He held her firmly by the hips and then trailed his hands down her thighs to her knee, spreading her legs that little bit wider to really take it home.

“Oh Jesus!” she cried out. “There it is...oh fuck!”

He used two warm fingers to please her, noting how cool it felt inside her against his warm skin, and wrapped his lips around her clit, tipping her over the edge and leaving her weak in the legs, clinging to the railing in the shower for dear life.

Very soon, they were in bed where she rode him hard, gripping the headboard and giving him all she had.

“Cum for me,” she panted.

Merle reached up to pull her full breasts to his mouth and felt like all could be well again. If only he could stay right there with her and never allow his mind to wander back over the ocean. He had to stay present, he had to stay in the moment.

“You OK?” she asked when he was taking longer than usual to finish.

“Oh yeah,” he insisted. “Turn over for me, I wanna take ya from behind.”

She climbed off and he gave it good, forcing himself to stop worrying about his troubled mind and lack of sleep. He pulled it off but something was wrong and he knew it. He and Andrea were always fire in bed, it was always effortless and perfect. He still thought she was the most stunning woman to ever allow him in her bed, it had nothing whatsoever to do with her, this was all about him.

“You a little tired?” she asked, clearly curious why things were different.

“It's this insomnia screwing me up,” he assured her. “I'll go see the doc on Monday, it's all good.”

“OK,” she smiled, but he could see that she felt strange about it.

“It's not you, don't even start, honey. You're the most beautiful woman who ever lived, it's just my lack of sleep.”

“Alright,” she smiled then and he could see she believed him. “Just hold me and let's get some sleep.”

“You got it. Love you, honey.”

“Love you, babe.”

/

_Dust blew into his eyes and the heat left his mouth parched. Merle got up and scanned the world around him. His ears were ringing loudly from the EID and he was sure they were bleeding from the sheer force of the sonic blast. That had been an accurate sensation. The perforated eardrum, tinnitus, and vertigo lasted for weeks before he was sent home. Victor had lost his legs though._

_He was looking down at him now, being shoved out of the way by a medic but the image was right there. The fear in Victor's eyes. He had a son he was hoping to play football with again. He had a daughter and he'd never dance at her wedding with her now._

_Merle felt the weight of that moment like a lead anvil on his back._

_All the way back to the base...words, just empty useless words._

_You'll be fine, buddy...stay with me...take my hand, man...keep your eyes open...come on, Vic...keep 'em open!_

_Victor was back in the world now...what was left of him._

_Blood...nothing but blood and fear and useless words...then the film rewound itself and he was back on patrol that night watching the blast happen before his eyes...the heat...the shockwave...the blood...over and over and over..._

“MERLE!”

“Huh! What? What the fuck?”

He was falling then, but he wasn't. Andrea grabbed him by the shoulders and was shaking him awake. When he finally opened his eyes, she was holding the side of her face in the dim light of early morning and looking at him with a stunned expression. His heart thumped like a hammer on stone and he had no idea what the hell was happening.

“Merle, what's wrong with you?” she winced then.

She got up and walked to the bathroom to look at her face and he could see that it was red and about to start swelling.

“What happened?” he exclaimed, jumping out of bed to assist her.

“You pushed me out of bed when I tried to wake you up. You were screaming and it scared the life out of me,” she explained as she touched her cheek and grabbed a washcloth from the rack over the toilet.

“Oh my God! I'm so sorry, I was having a nightmare...”

Merle grabbed her and held her tight as her own heart rate came back to normal.

“I can't believe I did this,” he frowned, looking at a welt developing below her left eye. “I never laid hands on a woman in my whole damned life.”

“It was an accident, babe...I was just kinda shocked wondering what the hell I did to make you push me off the bed,” she chuckled.

“It ain't funny, Andrea. I'm a fuckin' monster.”

“Don't be dramatic. It was an accident, you were sleeping for goodness sakes.”

“Should I take you to the hospital?” he asked.

“Nah, it'll be fine. I don't even think it'll bruise that bad, I just bumped my cheek on the night table trying to catch myself on the way to the floor.”

“Jesus...are you sure there's nothing like...broken?”

“Nope. I'll be fine, Merle. I swear it's OK.”

“What are they gonna say at work? They're gonna think I'm walloping you,” he groaned.

“I'll cover it with some makeup, relax.”

“I'm so ashamed.”

“Merle, enough. It could happen to anyone,” she insisted. “Must have been some dream though.”

“It was about Victor.”

“Oh...that makes some sense then. How's he doing anyway?”

“Pretty good. No prosthetics yet but it takes time to get good ones constructed. His wife says he's in good spirits.”

“It wasn't your fault."

"It was his night to be in that vehicle, if it had been the day before it would have been me. He has kids and there's so much he can't do now.”

“You didn't lay that explosive in the road, Merle. Wallowing in guilt is going to ruin your life.”

“You're probably right...I just need to get over it.”

“Maybe you could seek some professional help with those dreams and your guilt.”

“Think I'm that far gone?” he asked.

“I love you and I want all of you back from over there...your mind is still stuck in a loop of the things you saw and experienced over there. I want a family with you, Merle...I need all of you for that.”

“I love you, honey. I'll figure this all out...but I ain't sleeping in the bed tonight.”

“Don't be silly.”

“Look at what I did,” he said, gently turning her face to the mirror. “I'm not risking that again.”

“Till when?”

“Till the nightmares are gone.”

Merle took his pillow and a blanket to sleep on the couch and remained awake, teetering on passing out from exhaustion, until the sun came up. He had to speak to Daryl, so he left a note for Andrea in the morning that he was going for a walk. He knew she'd be worried, but he needed to hear his brother's voice. He threw on a pair of sweatpants and a plain army green t-shirt with runners to step out into the bright morning sun. He dialed Daryl's number and wondered how to word what happened the night before. Their father had lay hands on their mother and Merle had spent his whole life in silent fear of turning into him.

“Hey, Merle! What's up? Aren't you at the lake?”

“Yeah.”

“What's wrong?”

It must have been apparent in his voice that something wasn't right.

“You ever have nightmares?”

“Not really, not since I was younger. Why?”

“I had a dream about Victor last night and I musta freaked out in my sleep...I pushed Andrea and she got hurt.”

“What?”

“It's a bump under her eye, she ain't dead or anything,” he explained. “I feel like shit over it but she says it was just an accident so she's not mad.”

“Jesus...that's wild. She OK though?”

“Yeah, I offered to take her to the hospital but she says it's no big deal.”

“If she says she's OK, then she must be OK. Andrea is a smart lady who doesn't take shit, we all know that.”

“I can't share the bed with her,” Merle sighed. “What if I hurt her again?”

“Maybe you should talk to someone about the nightmares...she mentioned that you aren't sleeping well and now when you are sleeping it's not restful.”

“You think I'm nuts too?”

“Hell no, but you saw some shit over there. I know it's affecting you, cause you're human. Talk to someone, move past it, and then enjoy your life. You got a beautiful wife who'd die for you, so you go and get help for her.”

“Fuck you,” Merle sighed.

“Yeah, I knew you'd come around,” Daryl chuckled. “Love you, man.”

“Love you too, but I hate that you're right.”

“I know.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> **6 weeks later**

She had to rush to get out of the office on time, her law students were akin to little kindergarteners sometimes always waiting for a pat on the head for being helpful and clever. She loved them but she had plans with her man that could not wait.

He wouldn't be home until after therapy but that gave her a chance to shower and shave her legs before squeezing into her favorite dress for dinner. He fought it when he was asked to bare his soul to the stranger that Dr. Cloyd recommended but he had done it for her and she knew that. Andrea told him over and over that he was nothing like his father and that she trusted him, and finally it was sinking in.

He finally pulled up in that ugly old truck and she smiled as she tied a bow around the gift she bought.

“Hey there, honey!” he bellowed as he set foot inside and scooped her up in his arms.

“Get changed, we'll be late,” she giggled as he kissed her neck.

“I did good today in therapy...do I get a treat tonight?” he winked.

“You just might.”

“What's this?” he asked, pointing to a box on the countertop with a yellow bow that she had just finished tying.

“Oh nothing,” she grinned.

“Is it for me,” he grinned.

“Nope. Open it.”

“But you said it's not for me,” he replied in confusion.

“You'll get it in a minute, just open it.”

She watched as he picked up the box and sat down on the couch, it was a good thing he'd be sitting. He unfastened the bow and then placed it on his head, just like the old Merle would, and asked her if he was pretty.

“You're gorgeous, now hurry up!” she squealed.

Merle pulled the lid off and lifted out a tiny onesie but it still didn't click.

“It ain't gonna fit,” he chuckled.

“It's for the baby, goof.”

“Baby?”

“There we go! I see a lightbulb!” she grinned.

“You're pregnant?” he gasped.

“Yep.”

“How far along?” he asked.

“Six or seven weeks, still a long ways to go.”

“Come here,” he insisted and pulled her into a long hug.

“You excited?” she asked with her mouth resting against his neck.

“Very excited, a little scared, and kinda dizzy. I'm good!” he laughed.

/

They finally peeled themselves off of each other and managed to make it to the restaurant in time for their reservation and settled in for date night.

“When did you find out?” he asked as they awaited their drinks.

“Just this morning. I suspected something was off cause I was a couple of days late.”

“I'm gonna keep seeing Dr. Evans,” he assured her. “The medicine she gave me is working good and I'm sleeping properly now, but I'm gonna keep seeing her for a while. I don't wanna ever go back to the way I was before. Feeling anxious all the time was doing my head in.”

“There's nothing wrong with long-term therapy. The army sent you over there to do a job that really no human should ever have to do...the pendulum has to swing back when you return to civilian life. You deserve peace after the hell you witnessed.”

“That's why I love you so much, you're so smart.”

“Our baby is gonna have my brains, but I pray that he has your heart and your smile and those blue eyes.”

“He'll be a clever handsome little devil, hey?” he teased.

“He'll be perfect.”

“Why are we talkin' like this? What if it's a girl?” he joked.

“I got a feeling about this already, it'll be a boy.”

“I feel it too.”

/

They hurried through dinner, to get to the truck and all he wanted to do was drive. When they first started dating, they'd drive for hours playing music and talking. Merle couldn't understand at the time how he managed to gain the interest of a lawyer but she always insisted that being with him made her feel peaceful. She loved the sound of his voice and the sexual chemistry had never been an issue.

He finally parked up on a quiet grid road just to watch the stars come out and she squirmed over to be close to him.

“You're gonna be a great dad.”

“I hope so.”

“I can already see it.”

“You always have faith in me,” he said.

She leaned in to kiss him and in only a few minutes she was on his lap, arms wrapped around his neck, kissing him like there was no tomorrow.

Merle hadn't wanted to believe that he could be one of those people that needed mental help, but he was, the truth is that everyone is that kind of person. There is a point for everyone where it's just too much, where one more thing going wrong can push you over the edge, and thanks to therapy, Merle knew that this was nothing to be ashamed of. The only road away from becoming his father was admitting he was fallible, his father refused to believe he had any weaknesses and therefore ended up with so many flaws that they ruined his life. Merle was going to raise his child to be strong enough to recognize their own weaknesses. He and Andrea were going to do it all right, he believed it would be OK now. He was going to lead by example and have the Dixon curse of not being able to cope end with him.

**Author's Note:**

> Hudsonbird, it's a oneshot, so I didn't go as deep into his trauma and anxiety attacks etc. hope that's ok. I wanted it to be a little more subtle so he can blame the way he's feeling on other things at first. Not a lot of smut in this one either but it didn't really fit as well with the subject matter. Thanks again for this great prompt! xo


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